Israeli Army Surrenders to Hamas

April 1, 2024

Breaking news about the Sudden Breakdown.

The Gaza war appears to have come to a sudden and unexpected end overnight. Sources on the ground say Israeli forces in Gaza have surrendered in mass to the armed forces of the Hamas government in Gaza.

Israeli troops have turned all their weapons and equipment over to the Qassam brigades and other forces and are being allowed to walk out of the strip. There are further unconfirmed reports that some units are begging the Gazan forces protection from angry civilians throwing rocks at them. As well, some are reported to have been attacked by ravenous dogs.

Seemingly authentic video has surfaced of tearful Israeli female soldiers pleading with Qassam troops not to hurt them, it was all a mistake, they got a little carried away, and Netanyahu made them do it. “The Gazans can keep Gaza, we don’t really need it. Are you feeling hungry? Here, have all our Bagels and Lox. Got some cream cheese, too! Just please don’t hurt us.”

The sudden and unexpected collapse of Israeli forces in Gaza occurred shortly after the long expected attack into Rafah finally occurred, during the evening of March 31st. The attack was developed along the entire Gaza contact line in order to spread the Hamas forces out.

However, Israeli troops were surprised when Hamas troops emerged from undetected tunnels behind them, with new anti tank and air defence weapons they had held back until now. According to the Hamas command, Israeli troops found themselves in the open, in crossfire, and without effective air support. This caused most of the Israeli troops to drop their weapons and, if our translation is accurate, “piss their pants”.

According to insiders in the Israeli government, the decision to finally launch the long delayed offensive was made against the advice of the senior Israeli command, who are rumored to have presented a secret assessment of the military situation to the Israeli war cabinet, which has apparently created a division within its members; some inviting the Israeli top brass to “fuck off”, or the equivalent in the Hebrew language.

This impass was broken when Prime Minister Netanyahu, after being rushed to hospital for an emergency hernia operation, died on the operating table from unexpected complications. It seems some of the more conservative members of the war cabinet used this opportunity to gain control of the war room and order the Gaza attack. There are now rumors, unconfirmed at this time, that events some have described as a military coup have occurred within the Israeli government.

We have a report, from several sources, that Bezalil Smotrich, the leader of the religious nationalist party in the Israeli Knesset, or parliament, and a member of the war cabinet, has resigned all his public offices and fled back to his home in an illegal settlement in the West Bank. It seems his fellow settlers are now dealing with a large number of Palestinians banging on the gate of their settlement, demanding to know when they can start moving in. 

In other developments, Hassan Nazrallah, the leader of the Hezbollah community in South Lebanon, which has also been in conflict with Israeli forces, is urging Israeli troops to copy the behaviour of their comrades in Gaza, and start marching south. Initial reports are that this front has suddenly grown silent.

As new information becomes available, Adults in Charge News Service will report on it with full “apparentlies” and “unconfirmeds”, and “appears”, inside of suitably run-on sentences.

Now, we turn to our monthly “golden oldie” film review. This month, we look at the “1986 American black comedy mystery slasher film”, April Fool’s Day.